So Sue Me!
Seems we can proportion blame anywhere these days, if we fall in huge heels we can sue the council for not maintaining the roads, if we have an accident that’s not our fault we have three years in which to claim of someone else’s insurance. How damaging could it have been if it takes three years for you to bother filling in the paperwork?
We appear to be becoming more and more of a blame culture, which makes it conveniently easy not to accept responsibility for our own actions. If a meal is served late or slightly incorrect most of us now have no qualms complaining, if someone is seen to slight us we are quick to publicly reply across facebook or twitter. We have an inordinate idea that we are always the martyr, and do you know what sometimes, just sometimes it’s partially or totally your own fault.
I have been through two separations now, neither of which has ended in court, why? Because I didn’t chase them for money, I didn’t decide it was completely their fault or that they owed me anything. Maintenance was decided by CSA to save arguments and I didn’t instruct lawyers for half their businesses or try to wreck their lives or hurt them as I was hurt. I have a close personal friend going through a divorce at the moment, married under 5 yrs and no children yet his ex wife is spending more money on Lawyers than she will ever get in settlement from him.
This competition to be the most wronged is just not elegant, not grown up and not attractive, I know people now who have been fired and are quick to seek compensation even if just by proving the paperwork wasn’t correct! Really? I mean I know we are all politically correct now, but if you have done a crap job , you're fired, get over it move on, take responsibility, do a better job next time.
I think in our relationships we have to recognise when we are at fault. If you are taking no responsibility how can you move on to the next relationship without making the same mistakes? Most of us who have been employed within the past ten years will be familiar with performance appraisal, looking at your core skills and how you perform over the work year, terms like continuous personal development. We are all adept now at fudging these forms to make ourselves seem like the person that really deserves a pay rise or in this climate a job.
Being in a relationship is not a job and should not be a chore but I do think we can learn to do it better. Generations ago we would have family that we could mimic behaviour of we would have lots of examples of marriages that lasted 50 years. These days we are less likely to live as closely to our relatives, we are less likely to have learned behaviour of successful partnerships and I also think we are less likely to listen to advice from our elders and certainly less likely to implement advice.
We are all very keen to blame other people for our failings or go to expensive counsellors and hypnotherapists so we can blame either our parents, the cosmos or in some cases past lives.
Jackie Walker is a divorce coach; she once told me that whilst I was looking back at past relationships I could never fully see what was in front of me. You wouldn’t walk backwards into a room as you would trip, stumble and hurt yourself.
I ask clients about their past relationships when I interview them, I ask them to look at what they have learnt and to join elegant only when they are sure they are ready for another relationship.
In some cases the relationships they have had need to be grieved , learnt from and then boxed somewhere out of their line of feeling, so they can meet their next prospective partner with a clean slate and the positivity that comes from knowing they are a better person because of their past relationships and not in spite of them.
Xxx Louise xxx