There’s going for a certain type then there’s auditioning for a role, are you looking for a leading lady?
Getting feedback today from one of my favourite members, let’ s call him David, David’s been matched 6 times now, same feedback virtually every time... It boils down to him asking what he is doing wrong? In his case what’s wrong is his very fixed idea of what he is looking for, what is he looking for? His ex-wife and his 3 previous girlfriends before her.
David’s problem is that he has a type, actually he takes it further than a type, David has such a fixed idea of what he wants that he is in fact auditioning for a leading Lady. Now David is not alone in this, I am finding it more and more common in both men and women. Warning signs are at interview stage when I ask what they are looking for and hear chapter and verse on their ex partner or in some cases how perfect their parents marriage is, or how Cameron Diaz is their perfect partner.
The thing is that by projecting their perfect partner to minute detail they can be sure they will never be happy , this person is a fantasy, or is based on another person, not only can you not replicate a past relationship you shouldn’t want to. A relationship is past because it didn’t work, recreating it to see if it ends differently, this is almost like being a sadist, ooh let’s see if it hurts again? Reminds me of when you taste something horrid and pass it ewww taste this it’s awful? Err no thanks!
This problem can manifest it’s self differently sometimes people are oblivious, I had a woman join last month who was so absolute in her physical description of what she was looking for I became uneasy, her man must be tall, must have brown hair, must have perfect teeth, nice wide eyes..
Uneasy I asked her to email me some photos of ex boyfriends , she is in her mid 50’s and sent 8 photos, I could have been looking at the same man across different decades, taking it a step further I asked her for a photo of her father , bingo. Turns out the photo of the father fits like the card game happy families, turns out she lost her father when she was in her mid teens.... I suspended her membership and gave her some counsellor’s details. While she was looking and finding men who physically resembled her father she would never have a real relationship with any of them. I am hoping once she has had some real help and addressed the underlying issues she will have a better idea of who she is and what she is looking for in a partner.
I wonder sometimes when people are stuck in these negative cycles where are the family members and friends who should be perhaps questioning the identikit partners, the revolving door of similar destructive relationships.
I feel sorry for these ladies and men who are “chosen” to be the next partner, they are doomed to failure, cast in a role that they don’t know the script for and ultimately doomed to being replaced by an understudy, and left wondering why they didn’t have a longer run. Signals that you are auditioning instead of dating include having an absolute type but also the reverse those people who can never say why they liked, loved married that person. This flip side can be harder to spot. In the same way that we are drawn and caught up in physical attributes some people are looking for character traits and patterns, has every partner been a smoker? Do you always go for wounded ducks that dump you once they can fly?
I am understanding more and more about dating the longer I have elegant, matchmaking is an amazing view, I interview and know what each person is looking for and what their past dating experiences have been , once they have dated I get feedback from the man and the woman.
By noticing these patterns and being brave enough to voice concerns, by helping people seek specialist help if they need it or listening myself, I am helping my members learn to date.
We are none of us perfect, and if we stop seeking absolutes , seeking perfect partners and start enjoying dating, learning from past experiences and welcoming new matches maybe we can have healthier relationships.